A chef is holding a plate of food.

Irish Woman Named Molly Reclassified As Schedule II Drug

Satan Dies, Spends Eternity Burning In Tik-Tok

New “Left Behind” Movie To Focus On Kids Whose Drunken Parents Forgot Them At Disney

Tarot Card Reader Pulls Death Card, Assures Customer That It Only Means Grisly Dismemberment

Local Psychic Channels Being Named, “Mark”, Pretty Sure It’s Just Upstairs Neighbor

Local Woman Sees 11:11, Thanks Angels For Sending Message That She’s Two Hours Late For Work

Divine Feminine Seeks To Reunite With Divine Masculine As Long As He’s Over Six Feet Tall And Makes Multiple Six Figures

AS ABOVE, SO BELOW: Local Landlord Experiences Spiritual Principle With Deadbeats On 7th And 8th Floors Who Refuse To Pay Rent On Time

All 8 Billion Humans Awaken, Become Spiritual Coaches, Find Themselves Unemployed

Local Psychic Has Powerful Ability To Channel The Weather Channel

Local Woman Takes MDMA, Feels Blissful Love For All Of Creation Except Mother-in-law

God Announces Self As Alpha And Omega, Leading To CDC Warning About God Covid Variant

Wicked Man Earns God’s Wrath, Sent To Eternity Of Sensitivity Training

Local Psychic 100% Confident In Predictions That Totally, Absolutely May Or May Not Come True

Local Guardian Angel “Doesn’t Get Paid Enough To Put Up With This S***”

Local Man Has Near-death Experience, Describes Feeling Of “The Most Conditional Love You Can Imagine”

In Universal Glitch, Local Man Reincarnated As Exact Same Guy

Universe Brought Up On Rico Charges For Conspiring In Favor Of Stacy’s Hair Salon

Man Sent Back From Near-Death Experience To Finish Linkedin Post

Local Woman Tries Plant Medicine; Ends Up With Jalapeño Burns

MDMA Approved To Treat Combat PTSD For Veterans Of Great Toilet Paper War Of 2020

Soul Decides To Go As Human Named Kelly For Halloween This Year

Local Man Has Divine Psychedelic Vision, Sees HR As Creator Of Entire Universe

Peruvian Shaman Only Accepting In-Network Patients

Local Corgi Very Comfortable Being Worshipped As Deity By Misanthropic Owner

TIBETAN MONKS: Group Meditation Could Have Totally Been An Email

Covid-19 Planning On Spiritual Retreat In Bali

Man In Heaven Really Glad He Spent Life Arguing With Strangers On The Internet

Universe Still Trying To Figure Out How To Monetize Creation

Spiritual seekers travel to France for indigenous wine and cheese ceremony

Psychedelic Community Encourages Deep Dive Into Mushroom Cuts

Sacred Ayahuasca Shaman Actually Some Guy From Iowa Named Roy

Burnt-out Healers Go On Weekend Retreat To Corporate Conference Room

Local Medium Connects With Spirit, Receives Immediate Sales Pitch

“They Had Colors We Don’t Have On Earth”, Reported Man After Near-death Experience About Colors Every Woman Already Knows About

Local Man Microdoses On Mushrooms From Supermarket

City Lightworker Suddenly Followed By 100,000 Spiritualists

Near-death Experiencer Describes Universe As Perfect Singularity Of Bliss And Love, Except For Steve From Linkedin

Punxutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Freaks Out Because The Acid Hasn’t Worn Off Yet

California Man Rejects Western Medicine, Seeks Treatment In Boston Instead

Local Man Written Up By HR For Dying Without First Notifying Manager

President Biden Signs Executive Order Forgiving Karmic Debt

Yoga Goats Considering General Strike

Recently Deceased Man’s Life Review Oddly Stuck On 1994

Regular Indian guy named Guru guesses he has to be a spiritual leader now

Man Having Psychedelic Panic Attack Thrilled To Be Cured Of Depression

Las Vegas Sports Books To Take Action On Predictions By Spiritual Channelers

FDA Approves Use Of MDMA To Treat Severe Cases Of Not Scoring MDMA At Raves

Local Woman Sheds Ego, Wishes Other Non-starseed Lowlifes Would Do The Same

Local Man Planned On Doing Inner Work, Denied Permit By City

Local Monk Launches Onlyfans Page

Channed Being Gets Literally Everything Wrong, Chooses New Careeer As Weather Forecaster

LAO TZU: The Journey Of 1,000 Miles Begins With A Full Tank Of Regular Unleaded

New Study Shows Watching Just One Self-help Video Leads To Eventual Strong Belief In Lizard People

RUMI: The Entire Universe Is Inside You, And You Should Probably Address That If You Want To Fit Into Those Jeans Again

The Devil Is A Liar; Claims He’s 6 Feet On Tinder Profile When Really Only 5’9″

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Realizes He Needs To Do His Shadow Work

Local Woman Becomes Life Coach, Sends Family And Friends Invoice After Each Conversation

Just One Dose Of Psilocybin Can Eliminate Crippling Feelings Of Not Seeing Bleeding Walls Sing

Pluto Really Excited To Be Entering 29th Degree Of Capricorn, Has Absolutely Idea What That Means And Wants A Damn Treat

Channelers Who Predicted Apocalypse During Solar Eclipse Quickly Pivot To Selling Tractor Equipment

Terrible Person Has Deep Spiritual Awakening, Transforms Into Terrible Person Who Now Likes Crystals

Darryl Anka, Channeler Of “Bashar”, Actually Channeling Syrian President Bashar Al-assad

Tarot Card Reader Becomes Blackjack Dealer, Gives Unwanted Readings At Table

Universe Playing A Woman Gets Drunk, Texts Itself Playing Her Ex

Jesus Pressured Into Hiring Business Coach To 10x Second Coming

Man Ignites Terror At Holistic Wellness Conference By Showing Up With Bottle Of Wine

Jesus Rises From The Dead, Finds Himself In HOA Meeting

Corporate Team-building To Feature Paint ‘n Trip Event

Local Spiritual Influencer Channels Loving, Inspiring, Horrifyingly Sadistic Messages Of Joy And Wonder And Calamity

Report: Local Guru Hosts Accessible Bali Retreat Intended For all Forbes 100 Seekers

Universe Eats Magic Mushroom, Realizes All Of Creation Is An April Fool’s Joke

Report: Entire Universe Shrinks Itself To Shirtless Guy At Packers Game

Report: RAM DASS: “We’re All Just Walking Each Other To Home Depot”

Irish Woman Named Molly Reclassified As Schedule II Drug

Satan Dies, Spends Eternity Burning In Tik-Tok

New “Left Behind” Movie To Focus On Kids Whose Drunken Parents Forgot Them At Disney

Tarot Card Reader Pulls Death Card, Assures Customer That It Only Means Grisly Dismemberment

Local Psychic Channels Being Named, “Mark”, Pretty Sure It’s Just Upstairs Neighbor

Local Woman Sees 11:11, Thanks Angels For Sending Message That She’s Two Hours Late For Work

Divine Feminine Seeks To Reunite With Divine Masculine As Long As He’s Over Six Feet Tall And Makes Multiple Six Figures

AS ABOVE, SO BELOW: Local Landlord Experiences Spiritual Principle With Deadbeats On 7th And 8th Floors Who Refuse To Pay Rent On Time

All 8 Billion Humans Awaken, Become Spiritual Coaches, Find Themselves Unemployed

Local Psychic Has Powerful Ability To Channel The Weather Channel

Local Woman Takes MDMA, Feels Blissful Love For All Of Creation Except Mother-in-law

God Announces Self As Alpha And Omega, Leading To CDC Warning About God Covid Variant

Wicked Man Earns God’s Wrath, Sent To Eternity Of Sensitivity Training

Local Psychic 100% Confident In Predictions That Totally, Absolutely May Or May Not Come True

Local Guardian Angel “Doesn’t Get Paid Enough To Put Up With This S***”

Local Man Has Near-death Experience, Describes Feeling Of “The Most Conditional Love You Can Imagine”

In Universal Glitch, Local Man Reincarnated As Exact Same Guy

Universe Brought Up On Rico Charges For Conspiring In Favor Of Stacy’s Hair Salon

Man Sent Back From Near-Death Experience To Finish Linkedin Post

Local Woman Tries Plant Medicine; Ends Up With Jalapeño Burns

MDMA Approved To Treat Combat PTSD For Veterans Of Great Toilet Paper War Of 2020

Soul Decides To Go As Human Named Kelly For Halloween This Year

Local Man Has Divine Psychedelic Vision, Sees HR As Creator Of Entire Universe

Peruvian Shaman Only Accepting In-Network Patients

Local Corgi Very Comfortable Being Worshipped As Deity By Misanthropic Owner

TIBETAN MONKS: Group Meditation Could Have Totally Been An Email

Covid-19 Planning On Spiritual Retreat In Bali

Man In Heaven Really Glad He Spent Life Arguing With Strangers On The Internet

Universe Still Trying To Figure Out How To Monetize Creation

Spiritual seekers travel to France for indigenous wine and cheese ceremony

Psychedelic Community Encourages Deep Dive Into Mushroom Cuts

Sacred Ayahuasca Shaman Actually Some Guy From Iowa Named Roy

Burnt-out Healers Go On Weekend Retreat To Corporate Conference Room

Local Medium Connects With Spirit, Receives Immediate Sales Pitch

“They Had Colors We Don’t Have On Earth”, Reported Man After Near-death Experience About Colors Every Woman Already Knows About

Local Man Microdoses On Mushrooms From Supermarket

City Lightworker Suddenly Followed By 100,000 Spiritualists

Near-death Experiencer Describes Universe As Perfect Singularity Of Bliss And Love, Except For Steve From Linkedin

Punxutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Freaks Out Because The Acid Hasn’t Worn Off Yet

California Man Rejects Western Medicine, Seeks Treatment In Boston Instead

Local Man Written Up By HR For Dying Without First Notifying Manager

President Biden Signs Executive Order Forgiving Karmic Debt

Yoga Goats Considering General Strike

Recently Deceased Man’s Life Review Oddly Stuck On 1994

Regular Indian guy named Guru guesses he has to be a spiritual leader now

Man Having Psychedelic Panic Attack Thrilled To Be Cured Of Depression

Las Vegas Sports Books To Take Action On Predictions By Spiritual Channelers

FDA Approves Use Of MDMA To Treat Severe Cases Of Not Scoring MDMA At Raves

Local Woman Sheds Ego, Wishes Other Non-starseed Lowlifes Would Do The Same

Local Man Planned On Doing Inner Work, Denied Permit By City

Local Monk Launches Onlyfans Page

Channed Being Gets Literally Everything Wrong, Chooses New Careeer As Weather Forecaster

LAO TZU: The Journey Of 1,000 Miles Begins With A Full Tank Of Regular Unleaded

New Study Shows Watching Just One Self-help Video Leads To Eventual Strong Belief In Lizard People

RUMI: The Entire Universe Is Inside You, And You Should Probably Address That If You Want To Fit Into Those Jeans Again

The Devil Is A Liar; Claims He’s 6 Feet On Tinder Profile When Really Only 5’9″

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Realizes He Needs To Do His Shadow Work

Local Woman Becomes Life Coach, Sends Family And Friends Invoice After Each Conversation

Just One Dose Of Psilocybin Can Eliminate Crippling Feelings Of Not Seeing Bleeding Walls Sing

Pluto Really Excited To Be Entering 29th Degree Of Capricorn, Has Absolutely Idea What That Means And Wants A Damn Treat

Channelers Who Predicted Apocalypse During Solar Eclipse Quickly Pivot To Selling Tractor Equipment

Terrible Person Has Deep Spiritual Awakening, Transforms Into Terrible Person Who Now Likes Crystals

Darryl Anka, Channeler Of “Bashar”, Actually Channeling Syrian President Bashar Al-assad

Tarot Card Reader Becomes Blackjack Dealer, Gives Unwanted Readings At Table

Universe Playing A Woman Gets Drunk, Texts Itself Playing Her Ex

Jesus Pressured Into Hiring Business Coach To 10x Second Coming

Man Ignites Terror At Holistic Wellness Conference By Showing Up With Bottle Of Wine

Jesus Rises From The Dead, Finds Himself In HOA Meeting

Corporate Team-building To Feature Paint ‘n Trip Event

Local Spiritual Influencer Channels Loving, Inspiring, Horrifyingly Sadistic Messages Of Joy And Wonder And Calamity

Report: Local Guru Hosts Accessible Bali Retreat Intended For all Forbes 100 Seekers

Universe Eats Magic Mushroom, Realizes All Of Creation Is An April Fool’s Joke

Report: Entire Universe Shrinks Itself To Shirtless Guy At Packers Game

Report: RAM DASS: “We’re All Just Walking Each Other To Home Depot”

San Quentin Prison To Install Gift Shop For Departing Inmates

Local Puppy Quite Happy Being More Popular Than Owner

Local Man Opens Email That Hopes It Finds Him Well, Leading To Existential Crisis

REPORT: Local Restaurant Re-imagines Mac And Cheese For $28

REPORT: Single Guy With Puppy Not Fooling Anyone

REPORT: Las Vegas Man Surprises Friends, Family By Living As Normal Human Being

Carole Baskin Really Hoping For Another Pandemic

Gen Z Extremely Passionate About Thing They Learned About On Tik-tok 30 Seconds Ago

Local Tiki Bar Owner Named Mike Epstein Second-Guessing Naming His Establishment “Epstein’s Island”

Linkedin User Has Severe FOMO For Random, Totally Unrelated Event He Saw Posted In Feed

Family That Says They Shouldn’t Wait A Whole Year Before Seeing Each Other Again Absolutely Planning To Wait A Whole Year Before Seeing Each Other Again

Linkedin Person Who Sells Things To People With Your Exact Job Title Wants To Connect Just Cuz

Local Bro In Panic After Group Chat Leaked On International Women’s Day

In Sign Of Stabilizing Housing Market, Local Home Lists For $17.3 Million

“Score” Dating App Has Local Woman Excited To Have Dinner With An 810

Men Discover Alarming New Method Of Self-harm; Taking The Side Of Their Wife’s Work Enemy

MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: I Made All These Mistakes So You Should Definitely Make Them Too

Local HOA Rules Against Letting Your Freak Flag Fly

“I’m Not Everyone’s Cup Of Tea!”, Declares Man Who Horrifyingly Moonlights As An Actual Cup Of Tea

Patient Told By Terrible Chiropractor To Stimulate Vegas Nerve

Expo Floor Teeming With Excitement Over Branded Pen Giveaways In Booth #2430

“It’s Just Allergies”, Declares Woman Who Comes Into Office With Bubonic Plague

Emergency Broadcast System To Be Streamed Exclusively On Peacock

After New Study Shows Living As The #1 Cause Of Mortality, Health Coaches Urge “Zero Living” Lifestyle

Local Man To Offer Fractional Husband Services

Gen X Parents Concerned As Teenagers Increasingly Embrace Sobriety, Abstinence, Good Judgement

Bellagio Announces New Residency By Celebrity Custodian

Couple On Coffee Date Silently Wondering Why Anyone Thought Drinking A Digestive Stimulant On A Date Was Ever A Good Idea

Linkedin User Excited By New “People Who Have Disconnected From You” Feature

All But One Of Biff Tannen’s Crew Goes Blind Staring At Eclipse

Job Opening At Mcdonalds Drive-Thru Lowers Requirement To Masters Degree

In Stunning Announcement, Local Beer Garden To Serve Beer

Local Chiropractor Grateful For Destroyed Necks Of Gen X Metalheads

Couple On Verge Of Breakup Hoping The Other Doesn’t Use Their Motivational Quotes First On Instagram

Family In Pajamas Asked To Leave Restaurant For Being Too Overdressed

Motivational Speaker Suggests Canceling Good Friday In Exchange For Excellent Friday

Authorities Continue Search For Sadist Who Invented “Use Two Fingers To Move The Map” Functionality

Local Gen Xer Still Tormented Over Time He Wasn’t Kind And Didn’t Rewind In 1993

Doctoral Student Defends Dissertation With Katana Blade

Local Child Cures Cancer, Diagnosed With Learning Disability

Linkedin User Has Severe FOMO For Random, Totally Unrelated Event He Saw Posted In Feed

Breaking: Local Wife Gives Husband Early Christmas Gift of Simply Answering, “Ok” When Asked How Her Work Day Was

Report: New Love Language Discovered: Acts of Sabotage

San Quentin Prison To Install Gift Shop For Departing Inmates

Local Puppy Quite Happy Being More Popular Than Owner

Local Man Opens Email That Hopes It Finds Him Well, Leading To Existential Crisis

REPORT: Local Restaurant Re-imagines Mac And Cheese For $28

REPORT: Single Guy With Puppy Not Fooling Anyone

REPORT: Las Vegas Man Surprises Friends, Family By Living As Normal Human Being

Carole Baskin Really Hoping For Another Pandemic

Gen Z Extremely Passionate About Thing They Learned About On Tik-tok 30 Seconds Ago

Local Tiki Bar Owner Named Mike Epstein Second-Guessing Naming His Establishment “Epstein’s Island”

Linkedin User Has Severe FOMO For Random, Totally Unrelated Event He Saw Posted In Feed

Family That Says They Shouldn’t Wait A Whole Year Before Seeing Each Other Again Absolutely Planning To Wait A Whole Year Before Seeing Each Other Again

Linkedin Person Who Sells Things To People With Your Exact Job Title Wants To Connect Just Cuz

Local Bro In Panic After Group Chat Leaked On International Women’s Day

In Sign Of Stabilizing Housing Market, Local Home Lists For $17.3 Million

“Score” Dating App Has Local Woman Excited To Have Dinner With An 810

Men Discover Alarming New Method Of Self-harm; Taking The Side Of Their Wife’s Work Enemy

MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: I Made All These Mistakes So You Should Definitely Make Them Too

Local HOA Rules Against Letting Your Freak Flag Fly

“I’m Not Everyone’s Cup Of Tea!”, Declares Man Who Horrifyingly Moonlights As An Actual Cup Of Tea

Patient Told By Terrible Chiropractor To Stimulate Vegas Nerve

Expo Floor Teeming With Excitement Over Branded Pen Giveaways In Booth #2430

“It’s Just Allergies”, Declares Woman Who Comes Into Office With Bubonic Plague

Emergency Broadcast System To Be Streamed Exclusively On Peacock

After New Study Shows Living As The #1 Cause Of Mortality, Health Coaches Urge “Zero Living” Lifestyle

Local Man To Offer Fractional Husband Services

Gen X Parents Concerned As Teenagers Increasingly Embrace Sobriety, Abstinence, Good Judgement

Bellagio Announces New Residency By Celebrity Custodian

Couple On Coffee Date Silently Wondering Why Anyone Thought Drinking A Digestive Stimulant On A Date Was Ever A Good Idea

Linkedin User Excited By New “People Who Have Disconnected From You” Feature

All But One Of Biff Tannen’s Crew Goes Blind Staring At Eclipse

Job Opening At Mcdonalds Drive-Thru Lowers Requirement To Masters Degree

In Stunning Announcement, Local Beer Garden To Serve Beer

Local Chiropractor Grateful For Destroyed Necks Of Gen X Metalheads

Couple On Verge Of Breakup Hoping The Other Doesn’t Use Their Motivational Quotes First On Instagram

Family In Pajamas Asked To Leave Restaurant For Being Too Overdressed

Motivational Speaker Suggests Canceling Good Friday In Exchange For Excellent Friday

Authorities Continue Search For Sadist Who Invented “Use Two Fingers To Move The Map” Functionality

Local Gen Xer Still Tormented Over Time He Wasn’t Kind And Didn’t Rewind In 1993

Doctoral Student Defends Dissertation With Katana Blade

Local Child Cures Cancer, Diagnosed With Learning Disability

Linkedin User Has Severe FOMO For Random, Totally Unrelated Event He Saw Posted In Feed

Breaking: Local Wife Gives Husband Early Christmas Gift of Simply Answering, “Ok” When Asked How Her Work Day Was

Report: New Love Language Discovered: Acts of Sabotage

CDC Shortens Covid Isolation Time To Length Of Lift Scene From “Dirty Dancing”

78% Of Americans ‘extremely Concerned’ That Situation In Niger Will Force Them To Have To Google Country

Taiwan Pork Chop House To Formally Declare Independence

Ukraine Requests Spirit Airlines From U.S. To Counter Russian Air Defenses

Québec Passes New Law Mandating All Inebriated Wine-tasting Conversations Be In French

India Changing Name To “Bharat” To Avoid Discover Card Payments

CDC To Begin Naming New Covid-19 Variants After Greek Diners

LAKE MEAD: I’m Living My Best Life Sober

Las Vegas Sunset Now Charging $30 Viewing Fee

Newly Declassified Documents Show Yugoslavia Allowed Slovenia To Become Independent So They Wouldn’t Have To Pronounce “Ljubljana” Anymore

Thai Cage Fighters Report Roundhouse-to-the-face Physical Touch As Preferred Love Language

ELECTION ’24: Hotly Contested Deputy Sanitation Commissioner Race Sees Millions Raised By Both Candidates

Napoli Pizzeria In Queens, NY Named A UNESCO World Heritage Site By Random Guy From The Neighborhood

U.S. State Department Makes Stunning Discovery – Slovenia, Slovakia Actually Two Different Countries

Iran Strikes Pakistan After Accusations Of Harboring Shahs Of Sunset

Wuhan Origins Of Wuhan Restaurant Confirmed

Woman In Texas Marks Herself Safe From New Jersey Earthquake

World Outraged As 28-year-old Dutch Woman Opts For Assisted Pesticide

Local Man Tells People He’s Originally From Tulsa, Inducing Widespread Shock And Confusion

Phoenix Convention And Visitors Bureau Instanty Regretting Use Of Ai Image To Promote City

St. Patrick’s Day Celebrated As Holiday That Rescued Humanity From The Darkness Of Dry January

Legislation Typo Leads To Ban Of Tic Tacs

Breaking: Americans Congratulate Argentinian President-Elect Milei, Wish Him Luck as New Leader of Mexico

Report: Botswanan President Wonders Who You Gotta Invade to Get a Headline Around Here

CDC Shortens Covid Isolation Time To Length Of Lift Scene From “Dirty Dancing”

78% Of Americans ‘extremely Concerned’ That Situation In Niger Will Force Them To Have To Google Country

Taiwan Pork Chop House To Formally Declare Independence

Ukraine Requests Spirit Airlines From U.S. To Counter Russian Air Defenses

Québec Passes New Law Mandating All Inebriated Wine-tasting Conversations Be In French

India Changing Name To “Bharat” To Avoid Discover Card Payments

CDC To Begin Naming New Covid-19 Variants After Greek Diners

LAKE MEAD: I’m Living My Best Life Sober

Las Vegas Sunset Now Charging $30 Viewing Fee

Newly Declassified Documents Show Yugoslavia Allowed Slovenia To Become Independent So They Wouldn’t Have To Pronounce “Ljubljana” Anymore

Thai Cage Fighters Report Roundhouse-to-the-face Physical Touch As Preferred Love Language

ELECTION ’24: Hotly Contested Deputy Sanitation Commissioner Race Sees Millions Raised By Both Candidates

Napoli Pizzeria In Queens, NY Named A UNESCO World Heritage Site By Random Guy From The Neighborhood

U.S. State Department Makes Stunning Discovery – Slovenia, Slovakia Actually Two Different Countries

Iran Strikes Pakistan After Accusations Of Harboring Shahs Of Sunset

Wuhan Origins Of Wuhan Restaurant Confirmed

Woman In Texas Marks Herself Safe From New Jersey Earthquake

World Outraged As 28-year-old Dutch Woman Opts For Assisted Pesticide

Local Man Tells People He’s Originally From Tulsa, Inducing Widespread Shock And Confusion

Phoenix Convention And Visitors Bureau Instanty Regretting Use Of Ai Image To Promote City

St. Patrick’s Day Celebrated As Holiday That Rescued Humanity From The Darkness Of Dry January

Legislation Typo Leads To Ban Of Tic Tacs

Breaking: Americans Congratulate Argentinian President-Elect Milei, Wish Him Luck as New Leader of Mexico

Report: Botswanan President Wonders Who You Gotta Invade to Get a Headline Around Here